Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer (by Jennings)

One of the hardest things for me to adjust to in Congo is the sense of being stared at, almost constantly, when I'm in public. I am particularly self-conscious, so I probably struggle with this more than others. But it also has to do with differences in what is culturally acceptable, and what gazing at someone communicates. So I've been thinking about this, and here are a few observations:


Observation #1: Staring at strangers is okay. I have to remind myself of this daily, because being stared at "feels" rude to me, it feels almost aggressive. In U.S. culture we teach children not to stare. Here it is not rude. On the road, people will unabashedly stop in their tracks, put a hand on their hip, and just full-on stare at you as you go by. In church, children will stare at us through the window. 

Observation #2: Taking photos of people at events is okay, including getting right up in their face. I have been to weddings, graduation ceremonies and other public events where you could barely see the couple or the speaker because of all the people crowding around them with cameras and microphones. Everything is documented, and it is not considered intrusive or impolite to get right up in the bride's face as she's taking her vows. It is also quite fine to take photos and video of the guests as they are watching the event, and to get right up in their face.

Filming the University rector's speech (right) and filming us spectators (left)

Recording the vows at a marriage ceremony

Observation #3: Staring at someone you are talking to is not okay, especially if they are higher status. Here's another place where cultures differ. In the U.S., we teach our children, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" Not looking someone in the eye while they are speaking is considered rude, as if you're not paying attention to them. Here, it is quite the opposite. To show respect to someone, you should avert your gaze while they are speaking, not stare them (defiantly) in the eye. I see this especially with shop keepers and employees, people who have "lower" status than I do.

Observation #4: Eye signals can be subtle. For example, when someone wants to flag down a motorcycle taxi, the cue is often very discreet... so discreet, in fact, that I have trouble telling what it is by watching people. I try  not to make eye contact with taxi drivers for exactly this reason. Often I've inadvertently signaled that I wanted a ride, just by accidentally looking their way.

Entourage, Congo edition

So how can a self-conscious introvert cope? I've developed a few strategies for times when I'm feeling especially shy. Sunglasses help (I understand now why celebrities wear them). Or sometimes I'll tip my umbrella forward just a bit so my face is less visible, and I'm less aware of the stares. (This often backfires... people will just bend forward and look under the umbrella until they can see my face and greet me.) I joke that I'd consider wearing a burka if it weren't so hot. Seriously, sometimes the stares feel like people actually touching you, and I just want to get away.

On my better days, I remember that I did not come here to hide. I try to be open and generous with my weird presence, letting people stare, acknowledging and greeting them I pass. I choose not to be intimidated or offended or whatever else I might feel when someone stares at me. I remember that people are understandably curious about foreigners. And 90% of the time, if I smile and greet someone, I get a huge smile and warm greeting in return.